Don't Get Killed!
by ignis crudelis
Summary: COMPLETED! Ok, so this a Naruto Game Show! I am the Host and Gaara is the murderer! Not good at summaries, kinda a crack fic, but funny regardless!
1. Of Pigs and Arrows

A/N: This was spur of the moment, and totally strange, but fun to make! Read away! 

Don't Get Killed 

Hello! I am tonight's host, Gaara's Whore! And tonight we're going to have a ton of fun on Don't Get Killed!!!! Tonight's competitors are Ino!

Ino: Uhhhhhhh

Shikamaru!

Shika: Mendokuse

Kiba!

Kiba: Woooooo!!!

Naruto!

Naruto: WHERE THE HELL AM I?!?!?!?

Sasuke!

Sasuke: hn

Sakura!

Sakura: Shut up Naruto!! You sound like an idiot!

And last but not least………Hinata!

Hinata: U-uhm, h-h-hi

Ok then! Now here are the rules! You, competitors are going to go through rounds of challenges! You are going to find out what the challenge is when tonight's guest spin the wheel of Your Imminent Death! After each round the loser will get brutally killed by tonight's guest, Gaara!! Now, are there any question's before we begin?

Naruto: I didn't sign up for this!!

Ah, Naruto, that is not a question!

Naruto: Uhhhh…ok, how about, why am I here?

That's a good question! Now, let's begin!!

Naruto: Wait!! You never answered my-

The first challenge!! Gaara, spin that wheel!!!

It goes around and around and around and around and around!!

Everyone except Gaara and I: Oh the SPINNINESS!

It lands on darts!

The first challenge; DARTS!! Ino, you're first!

Ino: I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!

Just throw the darts and you might not!

Ino: throws dart #1 into the wall under the board

Well, Ino, you just might die this round! Hahaha!

Ino: What?! Ahhhhhh! Closes eyes and throws dart #2 … It hits the ceiling

Ehehehe, You're going to die, so instead of letting everyone else go, we're just gonna kill you and move this along!

Ino: NOOOOOO!!!! I don't wanna DIE!!!!!

Come now, Ino! It's nothing to be afraid of! Gaara's just going to brutally murder you on public television as entertainment!

Ino: That's not helping any!

Oh well, I tried. Have at her, Gaara!

THWAK!!! Ino gets shot sideways in the head with an arrow, as blood spurts and she makes a funny looking face

The live crowd laughs at her funny face

Again, everyone (alive) except for Gaara and I…and the large live crowd that suddenly popped up: oO Oh my GOD!!!! He just killed her!

Hahaha! That's some good, home grown entertainment!! Now, watch more people get brutally murdered, right after this!!

Kiba and Naruto: SAAAAAAVE MEEEEEEEEEE!!!! T-T

Sasuke and Shikamaru: twitch oh my god…

Sakura: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hinata: OO I-I-I'm g-g-going t-t-t-to-o-o d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you think? Crazy and demented? Good! I'm glad you think so! Next chapter will be up soon! And hell, if you tell me before I decide, let me know who you want to see die next! And you can even tell me how you want to see them die! Got an evil fantasy, where Kiba dies an insanely brutal and sadistic way? Let me know, and I'll let it happen!

**Ja Ne Minna-san!**

**Gaara's Whore**


	2. Of Dog Boys And Butter Knives

A/N: **Welcome to chapter two!! Have fun with character death!**

Don't get Killed

Hello! And welcome back to Don't Get Killed! I'm your host, Gaara's Whore! We just knocked off Ino for playing darts like a mentally ill two-year-old! The rest of our contestants seem antsy to find out who dies next!

Naruto: It's not me, is it?!

Well, Naruto, I don't know. It depends on how bad you are on the next challenge!

Sakura: Just go ahead and spin the wheel, I wanna know who dies next!

Now Sakura, you know that it could be you, right?

Sakura: Of course it's not me! I'm too good!

Kiba: Yeah, whatever you say billboard brow!

GROUP GASP

Ahem, well how about Gaara just goes ahead and spins the wheel, ah? Gaara!! Spin the Wheel of Your Imminent Death!

It goes around and around and around and around!

Everyone: blink, blink

Is this seriously a challenge? Oh well, it is now! Who can get a girl's phone number in five minutes!

Sakura: Wait a second!! That's not fair!! Hinata and I aren't even bisexual! Let alone lesbians! Right, Hinata?!

Hinata: U-u-uhm, r-right…

Uh, ehehehe, does this mean Sakura loses? They're telling me to keep going, so here we go! Naruto, you're up first! Uh, Naruto?

Shika: Mendokuse

Sasuke: What a loser.

What? Where is he?

Shika & Sasuke: Points at the floor

Who woulda thought it? Naruto has passed out!

Sakura: He's not the only one.

You're right for once, Kiba has passed out, too! This has never happened before! Why did they pass out?

Sakura: Um, seeing as how they both have nosebleeds, I'd have to say because it was too much for their little brains to handle the fact that Hinata is a lesbian. Well, that or bi, but you get what I mean!

Well, that makes sense! Now depending on who wakes up first, the other will automatically get brutally murdered! Isn't that peachy? Let's watch to find out!

Everyone: Stares at the unconscious boys on the floor

Naruto: AHHHHHHH!!!! Straight! I'm straight I tell ya!!!

Aha! So Kiba will be getting brutally murdered! I'm sure Gaara's finally happy that we have our next victi-I mean loser!

Gaara: Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe ect.

Ooooookay, then! Let's wake the boy up so he will know that he's going to die! Shall we?

Sasuke: Stamps on his foot

Kiba: AHHHH! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!!! What was that for?!

Sasuke: You're going to die next.

Kiba: Huh??

I'm afraid Chicken Head's right. You lost by default. Wow, you know we haven't even played one challenge all the way through yet. But anyway, Gaara, go ahead!

EEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! THE PAIN!!!! THE PAIN!!!!!!

Everyone: OO sssshhh, ow oO Oo oh, that's gotta hurt!

Gaara continues stabbing Kiba viciously with a blunt butter knife so graciously offered by fan in the live audience

Kiba: gurgle twitch

Everyone: …

I think he's finally dead!! Isn't that some good entertainment?!

Everyone: cheers loudly w00t!!!

Ah, I love the sound of fans pleased by the sight of death for pure entertainment. Anyway, don't touch that insert object of choice here , we'll be right back after this short commercial break!

That was for you gaaraisntgaynomatterwhatyousay!! I hope you like it and if there are any more requests on who you want to see die next you let me know, and I'll make it happen! I might even make another episode, if the character you wanna see die isn't on this one! Anything to make you people happy! Except Gaara, he's the murderer. You can't kill the murderer, then there would be no show.

**Ja Ne Minna-san!!**

**Gaara's Whore **


	3. Of Chicken Heads and Hand Axes

**Don't Get Killed**

Hello! And welcome back to Don't Get Killed! So far we're killed off Ino and Kiba! Our remaining contestants are excited to continue!

Naruto: Save me!!!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!

Hehe. Now, Naruto, what makes you think you're going to die?

Naruto: The good looking guys always die first!

Uhhhhhh, your point is?

Naruto: _**I'M** _good looking!

Yeah, you keep thinking that. Anyway! Are we ready? Gaara, go ahead and spin the Wheel of Your Imminent Death! Ohhh! That's a good one! You have to stick your head into the jar of Tarantulas for thirty seconds!

Sakura: EEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Hinata and Sasuke: OO

Naruto: That's it? Bring it on!

Okay then, Naruto, you're up first! Seeing as how you don't seem to mind.

Naruto: No prob! Mph…mmmmmmmm!!! Mmmmmmm!!! MmmmmmMMMMMM!!!!

Are you going to live, Naruto?

Naruto: Mphe phe!

Okay! And your time is up!

Naruto: Ew, that was sick! They were all crawly! And hairy, and gross!

But you did it, so step back! Now, Hinata, you're up next!

Hinata: W-w-what?!

C'mon, Hinata! Don't worry so much! You'll do fine!

Hinata: A-a-are y-y-y-you s-sure?

Would I have you put your head in there if I thought it would kill you? Of course not! That's Gaara's job!

Hinata: OO

Now, go ahead!

Hinata: M-m-m-mmmmmm!!

How are you holding up, Hinata?

Hinata: M-mmm

That's great, you're still breathing! Keep up the good work!

Everyone: oO

Okay, Hinata, you can take your head out!

Hinata: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!!

Okay, Sasuke, you're up next!

Sasuke: What?

I said, you're up next!

Sasuke: Seriously?

Yes, Sasuke, seriously. What, are you scared?

Sasuke: O-of course not! Us Uchihas are never scared!

Uh-huh. Then go ahead and put your head in the jar!

Sasuke: O-okay, I will!

This should be fun.

Sasuke: EEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! IT TOUCHED ME!!!!!!! OMFG, IT TOUCHED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I'm glad you showed me, Sasuke!

Sasuke: DIRTY!!!!! I FEEL DIRTY!!!!!! GGGGGYYYYYAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!

Okay, he can't do it, Gaara!

Gaara: Hn, finally

Gaara grabs Sasuke by the back of his chicken-headed head.

Sasuke: What are you doing?!

Gaara takes out a hand ax, with an evil glint in his eyes

Sasuke: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! Gurgle

Gaara stands there with a bloody hand ax and the decapitated head of Sasuke

Sakura: OMG!!! Sasuke!!!!!!!!!!!! SOB!!!!!!!

Everyone: OO Holy shit!

Gaara and I: Meh, he deserved it

Naruto: That's not fair!!! I was gonna defeat him myself!! You SOBs!

Oh well, too bad for you! We're going to take a short break for commercials, so don't go away!

**lol that was fun! Anywho, this chapter is for you, R i d 3 r! **

**Any more suggestions for the death of the rest of the characters? Let me know who and how, and I will make it happen! Thank you for the nice reviews!**

**Ja Ne Minna-san!**

**Gaara's Whore**


	4. Of Shy Girls and Marshmallow Goo

Don't Get Killed!

Welcome back to Don't Get Killed! I'm your host, Gaara's Whore! So far we've killed off Ino, Kiba, and Sasuke! Our remaining competitors are Sakura, Naruto, Hinata, and Shikamaru! So competitors, how are you feeling?

Shika: Mendokuse

Hehe, so true! Anyway, Gaara! Why don't you go ahead and spin the Wheel of Your Imminent Death! Wow, haven't gotten that one in awhile! The Shark Dunk Tank!!

Naruto: HOLY HELL, WHAT NOW HEY?!?!

Oh, Naruto, you funny thing you! Moving on! Hinata, you're up!

Hinata: W-w-w-w-wha-at? M-m-m-me?

Yes, Hinata, you. Now hurry up, we don't have all day!

Hinata: So I-I r-r-reall-l-ly ha-ha-have to go i-i-in th-th-there?!

Of course not! You have to throw the ball at the bull's-eye and try to get the guy in the tank to fall into the shark-infested water!

Hinata: O-o-oh, th-th-that-t's b-be-bet-t-ter!

Yes, yes, we couldn't because of lawsuits and all. You'd think that they would let us throw you into a shark infested dunk tank, if they would ask us to start a murder game, but I'm not management! So let's continue, shall we?

Naruto: C'mon, Hinata! You can do it!

Hinata: Oh, Narut-t-to!

Just throw the damn ball, would ya?!

Hinata: closes eyes and throws ball

Awwwww, sorry Hinata, but you missed! You only have two more shots left!

Hinata: Hyah!

Ohhh! Almost there! One more try!

Hinata: tears up O-o-oka-ay, I-I-I c-can d-do th-th-thi-is!

That's right, just keep thinking that!

Hinata: Uwah!!!

Oh, dear. I'm shocked, Hinata, but you made it!

Hinata: I-I-I d-did? sees man getting eaten by sharks O-O-OMG!! passes out

Oh, well, she passed out, so, Gaara! Go for it, lover!

Gaara: Heeheehee! I've got plans for her!

Gaara: moves toward Hinata with his hand behind his back Muhaha! Pulls out a bag of marshmallow goo

Hinata: Lays there

Gaara: Stuffs the marshmallow goo down her throat and up her nose, effectively suffocating her

Hinata: Wakes up Mmmmm! MMMMM! 

I'm sorry, I don't know what you're saying!

Hinata: gag Muhuhngh dies

Whoop, we're going for another commercial break! Stay tuned for more of Don't Get Killed!!

That was for you, I'm canned fruit! I hope you're satisfied with your chapter! And anyone, tell me who and how you want to see die next! You people are my inspiration! I lover you!

3

Ja Ne Minna-san!

Gaara's Whore


	5. Gomen Nasai!

A/N:

Dear Minna-san,

Oh mo god! I am so sorry that it's taken so long to post a new chapter! I feel absolutely awful about it! Gomen Nasai!!! Please forgive me! I swear I will have the next chapter out by the end of the week! If not, I shall be dishonored and commit seppuku. I have just been really busy what with all the traveling and all. Once again, I am so sorry!

Sincerely,

Gaara's Whore


	6. of Cherry Blossoms and Yoyos

Welcome back after those long commercials! Sorry folks, but we were having some technical difficulties! Regardless, our remaining victim-contestants are Sakura, Shikamaru, and Naruto! Are you excited?

Naruto: snore

Hehehe, um…Naruto?

Naruto: Huh, what?

Sakura: Naruto, you are such a loser!

Now, now. Be nice to the poor boy! Gaara, are you ready to spin The Wheel?

Gaara: grin Finally

The Wheel of Your Imminent Death lands on….wow. Um, well, it landed on a ramen eating contest!

Naruto: YOSH!!!

Sakura: NOOOOO! Not that! I am SO gonna die! Uwah!

Shikamaru: Kuso……mendokuse

Here are your bowls! Now, the first person to eat 5 bowls of ramen wins! And so on and so forth. But the loser, well, Gaara will finally be appealed. 1. 2. 3. Go!

About 10 seconds go by

Naruto: Done! Can I have some more?

Uhm, no. Sorry, but no.

Naruto: Host-teme

Shikamaru: Kuso, I'm full. Done.

And Shikamaru has finished too! And we all know what that means!

Sakura: NOOO! I don't wanna die!

Too bad, girlie. Gaara? Go for it!

Gaara: grins and pulls out a yo-yo

Sakura: WHAT?! NO! I DON'T WANNA GER KILLED BY HIM!!!

Gaara throws the yo-yo and it wraps itself around her neck

Sakura: AHH! gurgle splutter

Gaara: Tightens the string and shoves the yo-yo down her trachea

Sakura: wheezes and chokes and splutters, oh my!

Sakura dies an agonizing death by yo-yo

Well, wasn't that a fun display? Goodie! Well, time for a short commercial break, but I promise, we'll be back sooner than the last time!

_A/N: My, wasn't that fun? And yes, I dedicate this to_ _hamstergirl591! This is it! It's almost the end of this show! But fear not! I haven't killed everyone in the show yet, have I? So tell me who you want to be in the next show! _

_They cannot be someone who has already died in this one!_

**Ja Ne, Minna-san! **

**Gaara's Whore**


	7. Of Foxes and Butterflies

Alright! Welcome back to our last round of Don't Get Killed! Our final competitors are Shikamaru and Naruto! Give these two outstanding finalists a hand! So, are you both ready for the outcome?

Naruto: I'm gonna win no matter what! Believe it!!

Now Naruto, what did we discuss during commercials?

Naruto: I-I mean…Dattebayo!

Much better! And you Shika-chan?

Shikamaru: I resent that nickname.

Yeah, well, I don't much care. Anything else before we begin?

Shikamaru: Yeah. This is a really stupid show.

And all of a sudden, you're opinion doesn't matter anymore! Wow, that was fast. Now Gaara, spin the Wheel of Your Imminent Death!

….Oh, wow. Well, this is a stupid challenge. Way too anti-climactic. I should fire whoever made this wheel. Regardless! Shikamaru, Naruto; what

♫dun dun DUUUUUUN!!♫

is your father's name?

Shikamaru: Do I really need to answer that?

Yes, unfortunately. Don't worry though; we'll get another one us as soon as you guys are done.

Shikamaru: Mendokuse… my father's name is Nara Shikaku.

Yes yes, very good. Now, Naruto, go ahead and tell us your father's name.

Naruto: Ummmm…you know, about that…hehehe

Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me that you don't know your own fathers name?

Naruto: Well, he's dead. So no, I don't know what his name is…

Well folks, you saw-er, read it here. A contestant not being able to answer possibly the easiest question known to mankind: What is your father's name. Gaara, have at the sad excuse for a human being.

Gaara: With pleasure. grin

Naruto: No! I don't want to die!

Gaara: Too late for that, freak.

Jesus, I love irony!

Naruto: NO! I want to live!

Gaara: Minions! Attack!!!!

a horde of pretty butterflies come bursting through a randomly placed window with miniature cans of gasoline

Naruto: What the fuck?!

Gaara! Haven't we discussed this? No breaking things! Oh well, too late now, I guess…

the butterflies pour the gasoline on Naruto as he runs around trying to escape them

Naruto: GYAHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING?!

Gaara: Isn't it obvious?

Naruto: NO!

Gaara: Even more reason to dispose of and idiot such as you.

Naruto: AHHHH!!!!!

more strange, but pretty, butterflies come bursting through a completely different window with miniature flame throwers.

I'm so going to get fired for this……

Naruto: WTF?! oO

Gaara: Attack!

Naruto: GYAHHH!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!!!

Naruto is promptly chased around the studio by flame throwing butterflies

Well that's our show! And hopefully we'll be back next week! If I haven't lost my job that is… Thank you for watching the show! I hope to see you soon!

**A/N: And that's the end of this show! If you want another episode, let me know what characters you'd like to see in it! Unfortunately, it cannot be a character that has already died in this episode. Yes. Yes, it is sad.**

**This chapter is dedicated to hamstergirl591! Girl, you are the ultimate bomb! I love you:3 **

**This is the end of Don't get Killed Episode 1! Thank you for staying with me!**

**Ja Ne!**

**Gaara's Whore**


End file.
